Saturday, July 5, 2008
Not only will that be the title of my first feature film, it also describes my 4th of July. Before you ask, yes I am on vacation from the militant points. Let’s face it, if I logged all of the beer I drank, WW would most likely make me Fatty of the Week. My 4th of July always starts on the 3rd. All true SIF find a pre-binge necessary to put the holiday’s into full swing. We had some friends over for drinks and I got to meet my friend Susan’s new man! He’s not really new but he’s new to me as I hadn’t met him yet. Luckily there was no food involved so she wouldn’t have to explain my eating disorder….or would she…
So I wake up on the 4th prepared to go for a run (clearly to balance out the day to come). Yeah that never happened. Instead I ate my new “find”…a WW apple carmel muffin. Just three points for what I assumed would be heaven. Not even purgatory…straight hell in fact! Take a bite of cardboard, then bite an apple dipped in caramel. I give you the WW apple caramel muffin…gross! I packed my lunch and headed off to the beach to spend the day with the Belvin’s. Possibly the coolest family ever. They love to eat, drink and have a good time. Right up my alley! Every year they throw a party on the beach and I invite myself accordingly. While I am not in fact a family member, I make a bid for adoption at every opportunity. Note to Belvin’s….when choosing a spot on the beach I typically check for fatties in the area. I prefer a few on each side to make the bikini reveal a bit more tolerable. The 20 year olds without a dent or dimple…where ya going with that?! I had to call upon my inner supermodel and bring out a whole other personality to deal with the situation! I call her “Ginny” bcs she rhymes with skinny….
On to the next part of my day! My other friend (I have 2) Tara, agreed to host a cookout at her house. I made some comfort food for the occasion as that is the only kind I know how to cook. The party started at 5:30 so I starved myself in anticipation (I didn’t eat from 3:00 on….I know…crazy!) Every SIF knows better than this! SIF rule #321…eat before functions so you don’t look anxious. **INSERT*** There is now a sub rule #321B…Eat before functions in the off chance you won’t be eating before 10pm*** Susan and her boyfriend came to the party, my husband, my friend Renee and some other peeps. We were drinking for an hour when I heard a rumble. No the fireworks were not in jeopardy of being washed out…it was my stomach! It’s 6:30 and big girl was getting restless. Then out of nowhere an appetizer appeared. That worked for a minute. I tried to cover up my angst but I was starting to consider the cat food a real possibility! I know…I know…parties are all about fun, drinking and socializing. But that’s after you feed the cattle! I decided to dance and drink to keep my mind off the hunger pangs. At one point I jumped on the counter with Tara as if that was a good idea! Her husband reminded me not to stand on the seam as it may break. Hmmm….no warning for Tara….just the fatty! So I jumped down and decided his punishment would be to cook me some food. If I was going to bring down the house it was going to be on a full stomach. I supervised the introduction of the meat to the grill. While I couldn’t literally hear it…I felt the crowd take a deep breath. Fatty takes one for the team…that’s how I rolls.
It’s now 8:30! Not only is it waaaaay past FGDH (Fat girl dinner hour- 5pm)it’s almost FGBT (Fat girl bed time)! I started to yearn for my onesie and my bed. It was time for a sanity check. I walked over to another guest to inquire as to her hunger level. My worst fear confirmed, she replied “I’m not hungry.” Mental note…don’t ask someone who weighs 95lbs to jump on the fatty band wagon! I saw Susan and it appeared she too may be hungry. She had a valid reason. She hadn’t eaten since noon and not much of a lunch at that. I kept the pressure on the cook to get the meat to the table. At 9:00 panic struck…still haven’t eaten and almost time for fireworks. While others questioned their loyalties, I knew my loyalty was cooking on that grill! Leave all of this food to watch some pyromaniac blow colors through the sky…I think not! Luckily, as the food was ready we were able to see the fireworks from the dinner table. It was fat girl Utopia.
As the night came to a close, my food coma was in full swing. Add to that a buzz and you have the makings of another sexless evening. It dawned on me that the word starving can be used many ways. People who have no food to eat are starving. People who have food to eat but aren’t eating it are starving (that one was for you Susan). People on WW are starving! I’m starving. I could go on all day. However, I don’t think there is anything worse than waiting to inhale. It brings me to my usual line of questioning, “Why don’t the skinny people listen to their hunger pangs? Do they not pang? Are they running on super charged skinny girl batteries? Is it possible that the SIF are the voice of the starving? The ones charged with mission to bring what everyone wants to the table? Could this be the calling of SIF everywhere…to feed the skinny and mute? Stay tuned…