Monday, October 27, 2008
All my hopes of a soul mate gone in one headline. Yes, I am already married but that will sour as my size increases. I’ve always held out hope for the perfect back up and I found him in the form of the World’s Fattest Man. I’ve never gone so far as to confess my love for this larger than life creature but apparently someone else has. Call me crazy but I didn’t imagine anyone would be beating down the door of a man who weighs over 1200 pounds and can’t get out of bed. Brad Pitt, yes. World Fattest Man, not so much. Here’s why this is such a big loss (no pun intended)… I’m a big fan of “marrying down.” While few will admit to doing so, it’s quite common. You find a mate that accepts you for “who you are…no matter what” bcs to him you are a step up from every other scandalous ho he’s dated. If you don’t understand the concept, you aren’t qualified to carry out such elaborate schemes. Stay with me….No matter how fat you get, no matter how much of a bitch you become…you are his Angelina Jolie. That is until some dumb ass hoochie comes along and fills his head with lies about how hot he is and how he deserves better than your fat ass. Confused at first he stays the course. Given a second round of complimentary BS, the SIF are in trouble. Big trouble.
I’m not saying I’ve been in this situation nor will I admit to condoning such trickery when selecting a mate. Ok yes I will. Think about it. Men choose their mate by the size of their tits and by the size of their tits. Is it so wrong to choose a man by the size of his expectations? Thank you. The key is in the back up plan. Every good thing will come to an end so preparation is crucial. As SIF we are aware of what brings any good marriage down….food! Oh we may marry you as a size 2 but you can go ahead and put a 1 in front of that in the first year! 12 is tolerable. It’s when we take out the charge card at Lane Bryant that things start to go South. We have sent a clear message…”It’s a one way ticket on the Fatty Train. Aint no turnin back!” According to what I am reading, TWFM is setting up his new bride in much the same way that I have described. In preparation for the wedding he’s lost 500 lbs. Let’s have a processing moment for that last statement. Ok. He hopes to be able to actually get out of bed for the wedding. I ask you one thing…”How bad must HER self-esteem be that she found it necessary to marry a man who cannot in fact walk and whos claim to fame is being fatter than anyone in the WORLD?” Way worse than mine! He’s dreamy!
I’m sure he’s a nice man. All fatties are nice people with pretty faces. We know this. But deep down inside we just want to eat and be happy. Oh it’s all fun and games when he gets down to 897 pounds but what happens when he balloons back to the world record holder that she fell in love with? I guess she either resigns to living the rest of her life in bed with fat rolls and bed sores OR…she sucks up the publicity for being the catalyst that made him lose the weight and then bails before People Magazine exposes the fact that she left him for the Worlds Skinniest Man! Typical hussy. Don’t do it WFM! Hold out for a real SIF! Don’t trust the skinnies. They aren’t real people. They don’t consider Little Debbie a delicacy or appreciate the contributions Ranch Dressing has made to…well everything! They swallow vinegar and tell you that you look good when you don’t. I have some advice for TWFM….leave her at the alter and run for the border….Taco Bell won’t let you down! Yo Quiero Taco Bell!