I’m taking a break from reliving my journey to vent. I almost wrote this at one in the morning. I was so amped with anxiety I couldn’t sleep. Like many of you, I read or watch Netflix to unwind at night. It takes me a minute to turn my brain off so watching someone else’s shit show always seems like a good idea. I was super excited to watch Season 2 of Firefly Lane. I thought the writing/acting was great on Season 1! I decided Friday night was the perfect time to get into it again. I should mention I’ve been on a 2 week Detox to cleanse my body. I was thrilled to have something to replace Friday night cocktails on the last weekend sans rose.’ I totally forgot Kate was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of Season 1. Baaadaaabummmbom. So my idea of tuning in in order to tune out seemed worse than guzzling vodka whilst on the detox. I told myself I could watch. Her journey was not my journey and not for nothin’ it’s a TV show….not real. But it is real for so many women. And it very much still is for me….
You would think after 8 years cancer free I’d be happily going on about my life. It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I am happy and I am going on about my life. But there’s this thing no one tells you about while they are ripping you apart to put you back together. It’s called anxiety. It’s called fear. The Dr.’s focus on one thing….getting you well. And rightfully so. It’s a whirlwind from the time you are diagnosed. A mad rush of tests, surgeries and treatments. When it’s over you feel like you’ve survived a horrible car wreck. But there’s no one there to help you drive again. So you pick up the pieces as best you can and move on. Everyone expects you to be “normal.” It’s “over’ so go back to being you. I got news for you…when someone tells you you have cancer it’s like taking your virginity…via rape. Unwanted and not agreed to. That may sound harsh to someone who hasn’t sat in “the seat” but to those of us who have, you know exactly what I mean. You go through the “not me…no one in my family has cancer… I don’t smoke…I eat healthy” logic. But there you are….still sitting in that chair. Nothing has changed. Then logic turns to blame and you start running down all the bad things you did to cause it…eating, drinking, drugs…anything to pinpoint the villain that has taken over your body. No one wants to hear it. Not the Dr.’s, not your friends or family…no one. They all want you to stay in the moment and get well. But as women, we need answers. Answers give us hope that we can somehow control the outcome. But we can’t.
So you live with this constant worry that lies just far enough behind the surface of the face you show everyone that no one sees it. There’s no way they would understand so what’s the point of talking about it. It’s not paralyzing enough to keep you from enjoying life and being happy. But it’s just present enough to remind you it could happen again. So you find yourself feeling all over your body, looking for things that aren’t there and running to the Dr. if the slightest thing is off. When you can’t make sense of something, nothing will ever make sense again. Make sense? My therapist tells me to go back to the Dr. as much as I can. Work through the subconscious fear by putting myself back in the very place I hate. The smells, the beeping, the squishing of the Dr.’s shoes as they go from room to room. It’s total PTSD. But it’s trickery. It’s not bad enough to make you crazy. Just bad enough to make you remember. Crazy is sounding better and better lol.
A lot of women would tell you they try not to think about it and just move on. And that’s a good damn plan. I willingly put myself out there to help other women with cancer bcs when I was diagnosed I didn’t know anyone with cancer. Now it seems like everyone has it. Literally everyone. I get calls every month from women who think they might have or know they have cancer. Hearing the fear and urgency in their voice takes me to a place I don’t much like to go. But I have to. It’s a language few understand. And I know I was “called” to be here for them for a reason. I’ll never know the source of the cancer but I can certainly find the purpose. And the purpose is to be that person who understands the stuff the Dr.’s do not. The fear. The anxiousness. The darkness. The shellshock. The fallout. All of it. I get it. For some it’s a random thought now and again and for others it’s every thought. Mine lives behind the surface. I know I am well. I know why it happened to me. I found the answer through prayer. God doesn’t always give us easy jobs. Sometimes the job of helping others in spite of yourself is a heavy burden to bear. But we have to do it…..lighten each others load with shared journeys and compassion. It doesn’t cost a thing to be “that” person. Maybe an extra glass of rose’ here and there lol. Thus the detox.
So why am I rambling on about this? Because in my attempt to sit back an enjoy a show I loved, I was forced to relive someone’s journey with terminal breast cancer. And quite frankly I wasn’t up for that. It’s clear to me at least one of the writers of Firefly Lane has experienced breast cancer first hand or they have hired a consultant who has. Every scene captured the truest depiction of what it’s like. You go through the downs of the diagnosis, the celebration of remission and just when you let your guard down, guess who shows up again. It’s traumatic. They touch on how her family and friends choose to focus on the positive. It seems like the right thing to do but it causes her to hide things they don’t want to hear. And who can she share those things with when everyone in her circle is throwing up positivity on her? Herself. And that’s tough. Your mind can be foe or friend. Depends on the day. So this is why I extend myself to anyone who needs my help. Because I can be that ear. The one that is willing to hear it all. Not just the hope. It’s super tough for me and for fucks sake it sets me back but that’s why they make wine. If God trusts me with something so big….I will obey. He knows my struggles and he always sends me a sign that “You got this.” As I left for work today on no sleep, I wondered how I would make it through the day. Tired and anxious. And then the phone rang. It was a nurse I use to see at the gyno. She retired a couple years back. My first instinct was “Oh my God I have the clap” lol. Then I remembered she hadn’t seen my “girl” in ages and picked up the phone. She said “Hey Kelly. How are you? I have breast cancer.” I looked in the rear view mirror and said, “I’m so sorry. How can I help?” Touché’ Jesus touché.
***Note... My hope is that one day the medical community will embrace holistic health and put much as much emphasis on preventing disease as they do treating disease. We don’t have to be sick. When you take the money out of healthcare…the insurance, the lawyers and the insurance companies trying to be Dr.s…you are left with people who care about people. They work together through natural AND traditional medicine to treat the induvial not the masses. It’s crazy talk. But we can hope ***