New Year New Me is in full swing. I can’t be sure what that means but I hear everyone saying it it so I’ll play along. My January has been very soggy. Torrential if I’m being honest. Should I just except wine belongs in my food pyramid? Perhaps. I’ll squeeze it in next to the fruit. I have managed to get my fat ass to the gym twice a week in January. Nothing new there except I’m actually doing something other than ordering bagels and socializing. I found a time slot that eludes the “One Night Stand” crowd as previously discussed. Apparently “they” prefer the early shift. Fine. I’d rather work out with the grey haired-bad hip crowd. Less competition. They aren’t stealing my weights and I smoke them on the exercise bike. I do get the occasional side eye when I drop the “F” bomb…which is quite often. Not sure what the fuck is wrong with them. If you’ve lived long enough to have grey hair and bad hips you’ve definitely had a front row seat on the fuck train. Mmmmkkkaay
My newest bit…working on a get rich “quicker” scheme. To be clear, quick isn’t quick enough. I’m trying be more active on social media in hopes someone will see my rants and think me some sort of literary genius. However, I keep getting distracted. My present obsession is Venmo. Don’t worry I’m not looking for a way to extort money…just yet. No, I spend my days reading who paid who and for what. I swear I could make a “Real Housewives of Venmo” out of the intel I’ve gathered. Why is “Linda” paying “Earl for a “Room” using a bed emoji? I find this quite scandalous. Perhaps it’s rent money? Or Perhaps “Earl” is slappin’ his man meat between 2 slices of “Linda’s” white bread. Can’t be sure. I’ve flagged this for further investigation. My personal fav…”Jim” paying “Gena” for “Hummus.” Sounds like “Jim’s” gettin’ “hummers” to me. Jim-might I ask a favor? Please make better emoji choices. Everyone knows you don’t put eggplant in hummus. Perhaps it pairs well with Gena and some Chardonnay but who am I to judge? I’m just a girl trying to get rich quicker. Gena- charge more. That eggplant looks a bit limp to me. If you aren’t making your Venmo’s private, you may want to take this under consideration.
I realize I can’t get rich off Venmo unless Andy Cohen picks up my idea for the RHOV. I feel like he’s busy defending himself against lawsuits from the current whorey housewives, so as much as it amuses me to pursue the dram, I must move on. I’m not looking to get stupid rich. I just want to walk into Target without trying to figure out a way to buy $50 worth of household goods so I can get a $15 Target Gift Card. It makes my brain hurt! I came for detergent and now I’m doing equations in Aisle 6 bcs I failed math and can’t figure out spending $50 on shit I don’t need does not equate to savings! I AM the person they target when they offer free shipping at $100 (while everything is priced to keep you at $99.99) and gift cards for spending more money than I should. I need that to not matter anymore. Stay with me…I want to be what I’ve deemed “paper towel rich.” I want to throw cash on the counter for the good stuff. Ten million sheets of perforated loveliness sans lint residue. I shall use them with reckless abandon. Instead of carefully tearing at the line, I will spin the roll like the Bonus Round on the Wheel of Fortune and mop the floor with my “Bounty.” Yes- that was a genius play on words thank you very much. Paper towel rich is where it’s at. “They” say you can’t hide money. I beg to differ. It’s hidden in the paper towels.
So if you see me increase my presence on social media don’t panic. I’m just a girl trying to buy quality paper towels without spending $50. Is that to much to ask? I think not.