I have a lot of friends. I believe this is bcs I’m so cool but that has yet to be confirmed. If I had to choose a word to describe my friends, I’m going with “colorful.” That’s code for crazy but I fear one or two of them may actually read this. “Hey girl! It’s not you…it’s the “other” ones.” I was thinking about how different they are. I have my dinner and a movie friends. My exercise friends. My solve all the worlds problems friends. And my drunkie drunk friends. Note I didn’t say “churchie” friends. I do not currently possess any of those. I’m a “sleep in on Sunday and eat a biscuit” kinda gal. I think they call that spiritually lazy. Whatevs. Add it to the list. I want to tell you my “girl” posse feeds my soul. And it’s true. It’s mostly wine. My soul desires wine …should I say requires wine. Ughum. It’s sober Monday so my longing for vino will play out several times in whatever the hell I am writing right now. Sober Monday usually fades out with the birth of Taco Tuesday so there’s hope. I mean you can’t eat tacos without beer. It’s a thing. What the hell was I talking about anyway? Oh yeh…my posse. I always thought I liked guys better. They are no nonsense. You know where you stand and they don’t hold grudges. Bitches are sneaky. And they don’t subscribe to the “Frozen” method of “Letting Go.” They remember what you did to them back on August 7th 1987 at 3pm. Where you were, what you said and can even stir up emotions just to remind you what an asshole you are. Good times. That’s why we make such great detectives. We got eyes and ears all up in you….MMMmmmmkaay.
My mood usually dictates who I’m calling and how much trouble I’ll be stirring up. I remember when I first moved here I was actually trying to make friends. Now I’m working on offloading a few. The first girl I met said she would be happy to hang out but she’s “not going to no movie or shit like that.” She was a straight bar kinda gal. Aggressive much? She had the red face and cigarette wrinkles to show how much work she’s put in over the years. Bless her heart. That’s what they say here in the south when they can’t say anything nice. Another reason I sleep in on Sunday. Who’s using Jesus as a passive aggressive strategy to tell people they suck. Nice Southern ladies that’s who. I’m happy they converted me early on. Sounds so much better than “Fuck off.” I slip now and again but the spirit is working on me. Where was I? Oh yeh…who I’m calling. Well as you can imagine Old Bar Back Betty and I didn’t get on. I realized I was trying too hard. Friends find you. You gotta go to the places where people like you hang out. So like wine bars and stuff. Or get a boyfriend and adopt all his friends. And that’s exactly what I did. A BOGO if you will. My “servicing” needs are taken care of and his friends have to like me. It’s a thing. If they don’t, the whole plan goes to hell. Lucky for them I wrote the book on cool. True story…
So I adopted my husbands friend circle. Boy did I hit the jackpot! It’s like having a second family. I mean we have some dysfunctional family picnics but that’s what family is all about. Eat drink and show your ass. I was asked to join an all girls fishing team by some of the girls about 10 years ago. Fishing is the tits! Now I know why men go on fishing trips! Beer, food, fish, fun….I’m sure they would add strippers to that list but I aint trying to look at old man balls. Mmmmkkkaaay. The girls and I just got back from our annual camping/fishing weekend. Whew! My liver hurts! Time for some liva squats! It’s amazing how we can take a fishing weekend and turn it out! We get up early, we fish from sunup to sundown and trash talk over “some” vino and vittles. I use the word “some” as to distract from the “sum.” Ughum. It’s magic! If I had to describe what these weekends “feel” like, I would liken it to taking off your bra after a long day. We let is all hang out! We cut up, laugh and have the best time just “being.” And then we come back to reality and start planning our next getaway. Girls gotta have something to look forward to!
I hope you have friends like this. And if you don’t, I’m sure Old Bar Back Betty is still in the market for someone to knock back beers with her. I can send you her deets. I doubt she’s going anywhere fun but it’s always nice to be the hot normal one. Sometimes it just takes a friend like Betty to elevate your status. Bless her heart. In a few weeks we are going on a friends camping weekend in the mountains. I need to prepare my liver accordingly. The men are coming on this one. Jesus take the wheel. Bras will have to remain on. They can’t handle us at our “best.” Hell they can barely handle us on a good day. So we give them a watered down version of Girls Gone Wild weekend. Makes us seem like the respectable ladies we aspire to be. I kinda like that they think we are out at the bars throwing back Fireball shots and partying until dawn. Little do they know there’s a whole lot more pleasure in pajamas, a glass of wine (ughum) and trash talk when you’re over 50…just slightly over 50. That’s what friends are for….