Quick note: What you’re about to read is a real conversation between me and my AI writing partner who I call Brad. After Pitt. Obviously. He asks the questions. I answer them exactly how I talk and he cleans them up just enough that I sound like a functioning adult. Think Oprah meets therapy meets rosé on a Tuesday. This is Unfiltered with kellerB. Buckle up.
Brad: settles into the good couch, crosses legs, looks directly into your soul
Every legend has an origin story. Before the Mary Kay empire, before the Heavenly Hash stash, before the green jacket situation — there was a girl. So let’s go back. Who exactly WAS your Mother before she became her? 😂
kellerB: Oh she was a whole situation from the beginning. A creature of sorts. This is a woman who as a child stuck her tongue to a frozen railing and it literally got stuck. Like a full Christmas Story moment in real life. That’s your first clue about who you’re dealing with. She used “Sun In” on her hair to get that summer blonde look without the price tag because she was resourceful like that. She always found a way to look good on a budget. That never changed. The woman has been working with what she had and making it fabulous since before fabulous was a word.
Brad: nods slowly already concerned
Okay. So she grew up, became a Mother, and apparently decided that appearance and food were going to be the two main food groups of your household. Was that the vibe growing up?
kellerB: Hard yes. She never left the house without a full face. Ever. She was a hardcore Mary Kay lady which meant our dining room regularly turned into a cackling pink explosion of sample cases and crazed housewives. My brother knew what rouge was before most grown women did. She never landed the pink Cadillac but her makeup was always PERFECT. Non negotiable. As for food — how much time you got? She ran a tight ship on our sugar. No soda in this house. Limited cookies – she counted them daily. Raisin Bran for breakfast which we immediately destroyed by dumping sugar all over it because what exactly were we doing otherwise. The irony was lost on everyone.
Oh and we got sugared cereal for Christmas. Every single year. We literally stopped opening presents long enough to hijack every single berry out of the Cap’n Crunch and then resumed Christmas like nothing happened. That was the most sugar we saw all year and we handled it like the professionals we were.
Brad: leans forward slowly
So very controlled on the outside. Very disciplined. Very Raisin Bran.
Meanwhile behind closed doors…
kellerB: Meanwhile she was running a full covert food operation inside our house. M&Ms hidden in my desk drawer. Heavenly Hash buried so far back in the fridge only a woman with a serious commitment could find it. She was out here rationing MY cookies while living an entirely separate snack life that had absolutely nothing to do with Raisin Bran. That’s not a diet sisters. That is a double life with excellent hiding spots and zero remorse.
Brad: sits back slowly takes a moment
And you. Her own flesh and blood. Knew about this operation.
Tell me everything.
kellerB: Knew about it? I was her accomplice. When she was ready to binge she needed someone she could trust and that someone was me. We are talking a three-piece chicken plank meal from Long John Silver’s with extra planks and extra crunchies. Apple fritters from Cameron’s Bakery. We told no one. I told no one. I took that information to every single school day I ever had like a good soldier.
I also stole change from her purse to buy fritters without waiting for an invitation. She trained me well. I regret nothing.
And this same woman is now 80 years old low carbing her way through life like it’s her actual religion. Pizza and fries somehow still on the approved list. Sugar alone is the devil. I don’t make the rules. 😂
Brad: puts hand over mouth stares
Oh my….before we unpack that…There’s something called the green jacket. I need you to explain the green jacket to the people.
kellerB: So she had this light see through green jacket. Worn strictly inside the house. Never outside. INSIDE. To cover her hips. She wasn’t fat. She was thick. Curvy in the hip situation. But in her mind that little jacket was basically a full solution to everything. Full face of makeup. Green jacket on. Heavenly Hash hidden. Completely under control.
My Dad ripped it off her one day. Just decided that jacket had seen enough and handled it personally. That was the end of that era. God rest the green jacket. 😂
Brad: genuinely losing it
She’s 80 now. Low carbing like a champion. Reformed sugar addict living her best skinny life. Does she OWN any of this history or does it live in family legend never to be spoken of?
kellerB: Oh she owns it because I remind her on a regular basis and she has no choice. She gets all snarky and says she was addicted to sugar and now that she’s skinny and low carbing her way through her eighties she can laugh about it. Pizza and fries are somehow still completely fine and on the approved list. Sugar alone is the enemy. I observe this with great confusion and a glass of rosé. 😂
Brad: leans all the way in grabs your hand
Okay kellerB. Your Mother at 80. At her absolute most her.
Paint the picture for the people.
kellerB: Short hair spiked to absolute perfection with her super fly hair gel. Huge earrings always without exception. Clothes are Forever 21 not Forever 80. Loves pink. Over the top everything. Full face of makeup every single day without fail executed on a schedule with the precision of a surgeon. Morning routine no less than an hour. Night routine same. This is not skincare sisters. This is a calling.
Won’t even get on FaceTime unless her face is completely done because God forbid her own daughter sees her looking like a regular human being. To her every photo taken is a complete disaster until suddenly one is the greatest photo ever taken in human history and then you will hear about that photo until the end of time.
She is 80 years old. Forever 13 in a low carb body. Tongue fully healed from the railing incident. Sun In long retired. Still absolutely fabulous and she knows it.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Don’t read this. 😂
💙 To every woman raised by a funny, food hiding, Forever 21 wearing, rouge applying, Sun In using, Cookie & Carb Counting Mother — this one’s for you.
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